Species is a classic example of sci-fi creature
feature meets, well, soft-core porn. There are a surprising amount of familiar
faces in what is basically a ‘B’ monster movie, and there are other aspects of
Species that makes it a worthwhile view. While things do start very
promisingly, a crappy climax -as flaccid as a dudes penis after he has seen Sil in her
Alien state- ruins the fun science-fiction trash before it. I'd consider Species
somewhat of an Americanised mish-mash of similar Japanese movies that take
things MUCH further, especially where tentacles end up going if you know what I
mean. So let the inane boob jokes and captions begin!
Aliens have sent scientists instructions on
how to combine human and alien DNA. The American government decided to give it
a go, creating Sil; a deceptively beautiful hybrid who matures at a rapid rate.
After a failed plan to kill her- they decided a few months too late that
maaaaybe it wasn’t such a good idea- she escapes, matures and looks for a mate
in Los Angeles. A group of experts is gathered to find and kill Sil (although
none wear yellow jumpsuits and swing around katanas, sadly) before she
procreates and spreads her alien spawn. And that’s pretty much it! It’s
basically a recipe for some goofy sci-fi fun, that kinda-sorta works in the end
product.
"wow, her boobs are AMAZING"- Michael Madsen as Preston Lennox.
The strongest aspect of Species
surprisingly enough isn’t Natasha Henstridge’s breasts, but H.R Giger’s design
of her in alien form. Giger is the man responsible for the now iconic creature
from Alien; that thing with a head that you swear looks like a penis and the
egg-carrier for which appears to have a vagina for a mouth. Human genitalia
seems to have been integrated in all of his design work, and he DEFINITELY got a
chance to, uh, play with that more in Species. The practical effects work on
Sil’s alien form really is great to look at (in more ways than one). We get a
‘cocoon’ that has Sil emerge from an oh-so-symbolic giant vagina-like opening,
and tentacles that shoot from her tah-tah’s have a titillating silliness that
really was a ‘what the fuck?!” moment followed by a cascade laughter. Oh Giger,
you horny bastard! The gore effects are pretty good too.
It's best not to reject a women who can choke you with her jumblies.
I was kept interested in the movie until
about the hour mark, with Sil’s boobs- preferably without tentacles-
conveniently popping up whenever interest was lost. You can't help but laugh when
Sil tries to seduce someone by saying “I want a baby” and her being surprised
by their less than keen reaction. As expected in this type of movie, the acting
is really all over the place. The characters are underdeveloped and do really,
REALLY incredibly stupid things (pretty sure impregnating an alien hybrid
counts as one of those). However you shouldn’t be looking for these things in a
movie about a horny alien women looking for some action. As someone who watches
a lot of these movies, I just take it as part of the package and have fun with
it. Michael Madsen delivers every single one of his lines with his
characteristic half-asleep, disinterested trademark (kind of like the Lana Del
Rey of the acting world), and it really does provide some hilarious snippets.
The movie keeps up this goofy sci-fi charm until an hour in, where things
start to feel a bit drawn and out.
From left to right, Dan Smithson (Forest Whitaker), Stephen Arden (Alfred Molina), Laura Baker (Marg Helgenberger) and Xavier Fitch (Ben Kingsley).
A problem the film had from the beginning was
the character of a psychic to help them catch Sill, played by the now well-established
Forest Whitaker. This character feels wildly out of place, just plain odd and unnecessary.
The climax falls to pieces, and not much about it is right. Setting it in a
bland underground sewer-cave was a bad decision. Instead of sticking with the
practical alien-Sil, we get a frankly TERRIBLE looking CGI one running around.
Its pretty damn clear this movie didn’t have the budget for its mid 1990’s time
that was needed for computer animation to look halfway decent, let alone have a
humanoid alien running around (seeing as whole people are notoriously hard to
animate convincingly). I would have much preferred that they minimised this
completely and we got more of the practical effects; they look SO much better.
We didn’t see enough of them and those tentacle-tah-tah’s for my liking. The
climax isn’t really a climax at all, and there is no suspense to speak of. The
whole last half hour feels rushed and ultimately unsatisfying, which detracts
from the film a lot.
"You rika when I rick my titty-tentacle honey? Dey no call it Tie-land for naffing;)"
If your new to these kinds of films, I
suppose Species isn’t a bad way to start. It’s basically soft-core kinky porn
with a titty-tentacled alien women created by the government looking for some
sexy good time. The sequels, well, surprise, surprise, didn’t fair so well.
Species 2 did provide much, much more sex and more gore, and most importantly,
more tentacle boobs!
3/5
Recommended classification: 15+ for strong
bloody science-fiction violence, sex scene, nudity, coarse language and sexual
references Species' trailer:
Despite the habit of sequels not typically
being as good as their predecessors, I found myself enjoying Species 2.
Probably more than I should have, seeing how outrageously disgusting and stupid
it is most of the time, but this is my type of movie right here! Pretty much
everything has been upped from Species; we get a lot more Alien-hybrid-on-human-sexy-time
and much more glorious gore (often resulting from the aforementioned sexual
activities). I remember disliking Species 2 a lot when I watched it a while
ago, but to my surprise I like it more than the original Species. The main reason
lies in this being the silly, sex-filled sci-fi B movie Species should have
been. Just when you thought it was safe to read my movie reviews again, more
tentacle breast jokes return…
The same alien that helped to create Sil
from Species infects three crew-members upon their journey to Mars. It is theorised
that the same alien that attempted to take over earth in Species did so
successfully on Mars, leaving behind the lifeless red-rocked planet it is now.
Once these three return, they start having sex like crazy and create more alien
offspring. The main hybrid is Patrick, who keeps these children in a shed until
they are ready to cocoon and mature (like Sil did in Species). Sil from the
first film is cloned as Eve (played again by Natasha Henstridge) to be
experimented upon so we can find the alien's weaknesses before another attack
occurs. Patrick establishes a mental connection with her and they grow increasingly
randy for each other. If Eve breaks loose, their resulting pure-alien offspring
would devastate the world. Two returning characters from the first film
(Michael Madsen and Marg Helgenburger) and one of the unaffected astronauts
need to stop them mating, before the world becomes one where men have
tentacle-like penises and women have tentacles popping out of their breasts.
"OH EM GEE, it's totes' like I'm Bella and your Edward! Wait, you don't sparkle right? That would be a deal breaker I'm afraid".
Despite complaints from other viewers, I’m
glad the ‘alien-rat’ ending of Species was left alone, as I didn’t particularly
like the idea. Natasha Henstridge does a pretty good job as Eve, and manages to
keep her clothes on until the end sex scene. The fact we have three returning
characters was also a good decision, as it feels like more of a direct sequel
this way. There are SO many hilariously bad, quotable lines of dialogue in
Species 2; too many for me to list here, so iv just listed some of them at the
end of the review. Whenever there is one with Michael Madsen speaking, you have
to imagine them with his eyes half closed and acting as if he is doped up on sleeping
pills, and picture Marg Helenburger’s lines as over-acted with her eyes wide open.
Half of what makes these parts so funny is the terrible delivery of already
terrible dialogue; it’s just gold. The increased sex, nudity and gore is A-okay
with me, and makes Species 2 all the more tacky.
Yes, that's an alien tentacle-penis, and yes he is killing her with it by jabbing it in her mouth. Two birds with one stone, right?
The crazy professor character that warned
the US government about going to Mars is a great addition, but he could have
been used more. Gore affects are well done and in plentiful supply. When Patrick
is overcome with guilt and blows his head off with a shotgun, it re-grows in a
nice- but very outdated- effect, and all the exploding alien births are just
way too funny to be scary. There is more science in Species 2, which does give
an otherwise flimsy concept SOME credibility. The way the alien ‘infection’
spreads and how it is unable to deal with human genetic problems is well done
and clever. By far the funniest scene is also the coolest: Eve and Patrick’s
sex scene in their alien forms. It incorporates some great practical effects,
design work and some seriously weird alien sex. Alien-ised eve puts those
tentacle titties to good use here, and (slight spoiler here) Patrick basically
kills her by jamming his tentacle-dick down her throat (as pictured above. Yes, you did need to see that). It’s fucked. The
ending is predictable, but I liked it anyway. Overall what makes Species 2 so
much fun is the intentional and unintentional humour it holds in many places that
are drawn from its ludicrous story.
Patrick Ross (Justin Lazard) and Eve (Natasha Henstridge) in the throws of passion. Believe me, it doesn't stay sexy for long.
Most of the negatives are just things that
don’t make much sense or are a little TOO silly. Instead of saying ‘why the
fuck’ for all these things, I’m just going to list them. Okay, why the fuck…
·Would Dr. Laura Baker create a
clone of Sil after she tried to kill her before? Didn’t she learn her damn
lesson?!
·Would a scientist touch a
puddle of spilt blood they know has an invasive alien parasite in it? “Oh look
blood I know contains something harmful in it. Imma’ touch it!” We all know how
that ended.
· Is Patrick getting all
the grey tank tops for the alien hybrid kids and from where?!
·Does Dr. Laura Baker chuck a
huge fit about men entering Eve’s area early in the film, and not give a shit
later on?
·Would they put Patrick in the
same facility as Eve after he was captured, when they know they are able to communicate
with each other mentally and desperately want to bang each other?
·Was there a cat in the
ambulance in the end?! Where did that thing come from?!
The practical effects that are used to create Eve in her alien state. Obviously a lot more money went into this and all the sex scenes than the script.
I’m sure there are more, but that gives you an idea. Other problems are pretty trivial. The acting from our two leads its pretty bad, but that was expected, and you could say Eve escaped way too easily (I would have thought after last time they would have some major security procedures, but nope!). The storyline is also unnecessarily muddled and complicated for a movie that really requires a brain ‘off’ switch.
Oh and before I forget, here are those
great lines of dialogue:
· - From Press Lenox (Michael
Madsen), who describes Sil perfectly as an ‘Alien she-bitch’- “they could fuck
the human race into extinction!”, “I think its pretty safe to say he is banging
cocktail waitresses two at a time” (well that one kind of did happen), after he
knocks someone over at a supermarket while looking desperately for Patrick he
yells “WHERES THE GODDAMN CEREAL?!” and upon finding the cocooned alien
children he says “welcome to the maternity ward…from hell” in a very
disinterested tone.
· -Dr. Laura Baker exclaims, “oh
this is awful, this is just awful!” when she is by herself next to a women’s
stomach that has been busted open by an alien tentacle. Really warrants the ‘no
shit’ title there.
· -Dennis Gamble, the surviving Astronaut, says something so extremely stereotypically African-American it’s painful:
“brothers just can’t get no booty! Know what I mean?” Unless the booty your
after has some tentacles sprouting from it, your outta luck.
· -And my favourite bit of dialogue
between the two leads:
*Eve drives away in a car after her escape*
Press Lenox: How the hell does she know how to
drive?
Dr. Laura Baker: Her favorite show is Dukes Of
Hazard!
Press Lenox: Fan-fucken-tastic!
Michael Madsen not reacting much at all to Patrick in his alien form; in it's entirety he kinda looks like a cow caracas with that bit slapped on at the front. Still, its created using great special effects.
In the end Species 2 topped the first movie
in nearly every way for me. It remains consistently entertaining- weather it’s
from a random sex scene or an exploding alien baby birth-which was a major
issue with Species. If you do plan on checking out Species and Species 2, you
should know they are not to be taken seriously. The straight to DVD
Species 3 and 4 really sucked, and I’m not going to be reviewing those
because frankly, I don’t want to watch them again. And just because I like
saying this way too much, TENTACLED TITTY-TAH-TAH’S! I promise that's the last time.
4/5
Recommended classification: 15+ for strong science-fiction violence, blood and gore, sex scenes, nudity, sexual references and coarse language The trailer for Species 2:
You know those movies you watched as a kid
that scared the absolute living crap out of you, that you watch years later and
go “nah, that’s shit” (as my sister said upon the ending credits of The
Grudge)? This is one of those films. Not to say it’s completely terrible, there
are a few scares to be had, but it certainly wont give me any nightmares
tonight as it once did.
This is actually an American remake of a
2002 Japanese film, ‘Ju-on’, which I have seen but don’t recollect very much
of, with the same director taking the helm (Takashi Shimizu). We follow Karen,
an American nurse who has recently moved to Tokyo. She takes care of an
elderly women who’s usual carer (Yoko) has disappeared(well, a bit of her was
in the basement…). She witnesses the death of the elderly women at the hands of
supernatural forces-which no one believes- and is tormented by these beings
after she has left the house. Turns out the old
women’s family has also died of unknown causes due to living in the same house,
and Karen soon finds out that something very wrong has happened in the past
within its walls. She needs to rid of these ‘ghosts’ before she meets the same
fate, and a local investigator helps her to do so. Think of it like ‘The Ring’,
but with a house instead of a video-tape, and that’s pretty much it.
...and this was BEFORE he was a ghost. Yikes.
The score is pretty good, with a few creepy
notes assisting a pretty un-scary movie to be a little more eerie. An odd and
slightly distressing first scene does get your attention, even though things
are not adequately explained by the films end for my liking. A good attempt is
made to show how bewildered the American characters feel in their move to
Tokyo, although I could have done with a few more of these scenes as they work
quite well. Gellar does a good job as Karen, particularly when she is scared or
crying. Which is most of the time. There a few scenes that come off as scary,
but they are still tainted by scares that are more funny that frightening. One
of these scenes takes place in an empty office block building, with Susan
(KaDee Strickland) being terrorised by Kayako (aka, ghost girl). This is one of
those scenes that gave me nightmares years ago, with it still creeping me out
today. It’s a brief scene but a good one; especially the security footage that
gives the movie a tiny touch of a ‘found-footage’ element. Another of these
scenes features a jaw-less Yoko that is probably the most affective scene in
the whole movie, as is a bloodied Kayako making her way down the stairs body-bag
style with a few joint problems. The main issue with the scares is
inconsistency, with there being one good fright for every four that fall flat.
ALL I WANT IS SOME DAMN CATNIP BITCH. AND MORE EYELINER. THAT WOULD BE GOOD.
There are those moments when you think
“bitch, why the fuck are you going in there?” that end in the person getting
killed (accompanied by loud music and a blank screen, which gets old very
quickly). Most of the horror elements don’t succeed, and some come off as more
than a little funny, which is not a good thing in a horror movie at all- I
found myself chuckling whenever Toshio popped up and meowed like a pissed off
cat. Is that meant to be scary? Some scenes that should have been scary are ruined due
to unconvincing computer graphics used to great a freaky-fied Kayako.
Pictures with a photo-bombing pre-ghost Kayako also come off quite funny instead of being
creepy like they where intended (which made up one of the few good spoofs in
scary movie 4, I might add). Jason Behr does an average but not terrible job as
Karen’s boyfriend Doug, not that he is given much time to do anything with the
character. The two ghosts are shown FAR too much, and are only scary when they
are no more than a blur or a fleeting glimpse; Too many lingering shots of them
greatly detracts their fright value. By the end of the movie they come off as a
pair of people from a Head and Shoulders commercial, who have way too much
foundation on and are in desperate need of a throat lozenge. The film seems to
end abruptly, and its never clear why Toshio and Kayako became ghosts in the
first place.
Karen (Sarah Michel Gellar) trying to save her boyfriend Doug (Jason Behr) from Kayako.
Now that I’ve watched the remake, I plan on
watching the original Japanese version to see how similar they are and, more
importantly, if the original can scare the pants off of me. Weather I should
blame horror movie de-sensitisation, or simple maturity, is unclear, but The
Grudge simply isn’t as scary as it needs to be. It does provide some unintended
laughs, with the two sequels (yes there was a third that went straight to DVD)
ramping these up to hilarious levels and striking out the scares almost
completely. Now, I have to go downstairs…in the dark…all right maybe it scared
me a LITTLE!
And to re-iterate, “nah, that’s shit”-
Alicia.
I give the you always pleasant Kayako. She enjoys taking peoples lives by looking at them, making constant croaking noises and walking along the beach on all fours- preferably whilst doing the previous activities. Any takers?
2/5
12+ for moderate horror themes,
supernatural themes and violent/bloody images, and very brief nudity
Continuing my lead up to Skyfall, I watched
Quantum Of Solace with suitably high expectations after my enjoyment of Casino
Royal. While those expectations weren’t exactly met, I still managed to enjoy
‘Quantum’ despite it having its fair share of negatives. Although I might be a
bit heavy on those for what my final rating is, I have to say the movie was
pretty entertaining. Some issues with the writing of the film may have
contributed to these problems arising, but that cannot be used to excuse some
of the more substantial obstacles.
Carrying on from Casino Royale after Bond
captures a suspect (by shooting him in the leg), there is an attempted
assassination towards ‘M’ (Judi Dench, pictured below). This reveals that a new network of rich
people, with nothing better to do than be evil, have in fact infiltrated the
company and so no one can be trusted. While Bond attempts to catch the escaped assassin,
he finds connections between these new ‘baddys’ and the ones that indirectly
caused Vesper's death in Casino Royale. The man of main concern is Dominic
Greene, who uses environmental conservation as a cover for obtaining barren
land in Bolivia, which he has other plans for. ‘M’ questions Bonds stability
and believes he is driven by revenge towards his last ‘bond girl’s death. He
utilises the help of a retired agent and a woman with a mysterious past to help
bring down Dominic Greene and exact his vengeance for Vesper.
What do you mean? THIS IS MY HAPPY FACE.
Or at least that’s what I thought the
storyline was; it was a little unclear and muddled at times. Right off the bat
we get a car chase, involving many expensive cars getting blown up and
tossed around while Bond keeps his cool scowl. As expected, all the actors do great
jobs in their characters- especially Judi Dench once again, who we get some
more of this time (she gets some of the movies best lines). I did like the new ‘bond
girl’ more, even if she has a past that seems a little tossed in. The film is
very enjoyable overall, and there are absolutely no lulls or chances for boredom
to creep in at all; Casino Royale did have a few of those moments for me. I
did actually enjoy this move a lot, and although there are too many problems
that Casino Royale didn’t have, Quantum Of Solace still entertained me more
than thoroughly.
"I'm going to shoot you in the face. Then I'm going to have sex with you. No, wait, that's not right, let me try again...I'll tell you my name, THEN Ill do those things. Yep, that sounds about right"
It’s pretty clear as the movie moves along
that there is much, much more frenetic action in Quantum Of Solace. Car chases,
boat chases, plane chases, shoot outs, lots of explosions and everything in between
is on show. These scenes suffer from over-editing to the
point of confusion and come off as very choppy and confusing. Its makes these
long stretches of action hard to follow; something Casino Royale definitely got
right with its action, as they where edited perfectly. There are just
too many of these sequences in a movie that is forty minutes shorter than
‘Casino’- there is more explosions and damaged property in ‘Quantum’s first
half an hour than in Casino Royale’s entire two and a half hour length. Some of
these are intercut with unrelated, and frankly unimportant, background events.
This ‘artful’ editing choice only makes them more chaotic and could have been
omitted all together.
The pricey looking cars that are featured in the opening chase. Well, before they where destroyed.
The way Bond decides to sleep with an
associate- he doesn't know- so quickly, without any buildup or flirtatious
conversation, tarnishes the oddly likable character that we saw in Casino
Royale. I really don’t care if this is something past Bonds have done or not, I
didn’t like it regardless. James Bond kills people even more relentlessly this
time around, too much I’d say. His character doesn’t seem to have grown at all
from Casino Royale, and becomes completely unlikable when he disposes of a
friends body in a dumpster. He does reclaim this likability back, but
I’m not sure why the filmmakers wanted us to dislike him so much in the first place. Little things
like this make his character seem like, well, a bit of a douchebag at times,
even if he is attempting to do something good in the process. These actions
would not have seemed so out of place if Bond were given a chance to show that
he is in fact Vengeful. We hear ‘M’ say it, we hear other characters say it,
but Bond isn’t given enough time between explosions and bullets to show this
sufficiently. This makes the previous blind acts of violence seriously lacking
reason. James Bond does learn his lesson, sort of, at the end, and I really
hope this translates into Skyfall.
Well SOMEONE just got some James Bond desert action, although you would think they might seem a little happier.
The big bad guy this time doesn’t seem
particularly threatening. As I mentioned prior, Quantum Of Solace is quite a
lot shorter than Casino Royale, with this being a bittersweet change for me. It doesn’t, like I said before, allow for boredom to set in, but while the action has
been upped, dialogue and characterisation have been reduced. This no doubt
contributed to the villain needing depth and more menace. The atmosphere is
also given a back seat in Comparison to Casino Royale’s. Where it should have
been brooding and dark we get more explosions. It keeps the serious tonality of the previous movie, but is devoid of humorous sprites that are part of the Bond films (which 'Casino' kept to it's benefit). And off course more gloriously
eye-twitching product placement, although a lot more of it gets blown up in
Quantum Of Solace.
Camille (Olga Kurylenko), aka the new 'Bond girl' featured in Quantum Of Solace.
I know it seems as if I’m being overly
negative, but I really did enjoy ‘Quantum’. Most of its problems may be traced
back to a writers strike, but then again, some- like the increased action- are
very common amongst sequels. From what I have heard thus far, Skyfall is a much
better film that Quantum Of Solace, with some even praising it as surpassing
Casino Royale. Ill get around to watching that one soon, and post my review up
in a few days!
3/5
Recommended classification: 12+ for frequent moderate action violence
