PIRANHA 3D (2010)
For some reason, my expectations for
Piranha 3D where pretty low. I’m not sure why, but I just wasn’t expecting much
from this movie at all when I sat down and put those 3D glasses
on. Boy was I wrong! I ended up absolutely loving Piranha 3D. It has all the right
ingredients needed for the type of movie it is, and ended up being on my
‘favourite movies’ list. The expectation for that certainly wasn’t there.
Although it has been called a remake of the 1978 movie ‘Piranha’, it’s really
more of a complete re-imagining with a few little references to the original
and the time in which it was made. The director, Alexandre Aja, is no stranger
to this type of movie. His French film ‘High Tension’ marked him as one who incorporates hard-hitting violence into most of his films, as did the remake of ‘The Hills Have
Eyes’ (which I also really liked). While the gore this time around is less
‘grimy’, he definitely didn’t hold back on it or the nudity in Piranha 3D. However,
obviously Aja new that it takes a lot more to make these kinds of ‘monster
B-movies’ successful than those two elements. That's pretty clear in the final
product, which is oh-so-close to being perfect in my eyes.
Welcome to Lake Victoria. A recent
earthquake has opened an underground lake to the one above, releasing schools
of ravenous prehistoric piranha into the clear blue waters. This is bad news
for the thousands of spring breakers that have taken up residence for the time
being, but good news for the piranha that just love some fake-tanned skin to
nibble. Derrick Jones (Jerry O’Connell) has also taken advantage of the new
boobs in town, as he rents a boat in order to shoot his porno ‘Wild Wild Girls’
that features Danni (Kelly Brook) and Crystal (Riley Steele; a real life porn
star). Jake Forester- son of the town Sheriff Julie Forester- takes a job on
the boat despite him needing to baby-sit his siblings. There are some cameos
from other actors (and even horror movie director Eli Roth) thrown into the mix, as all hell and breast implants break
loose once the piranha decide to make a snack out of anyone in their path.
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| "Hey guys! This ones all-natural! No chewy bits!" |
Everything kicks off brilliantly with
Richard Dreyfuss (Hooper from ‘Jaws’) humming that familiar song to us 'Jaws' fans before he becomes fish-food. Aja new what kind of movie
he was making, and new how to make the people watching very happy. Things get
off to a fun start, especially with how the piranha are unleashed with no time
wasted. The red-filter used for the opening title is a nice homage to the
original Piranha as well. The score (by Michael Wandmacher) and the songs
used throughout the movie are fantastic. Piranha 3D is scored with some
riveting heavy-metal queues as well as a nice little theme for the piranha.
Crappy pop songs during the partying scenes work well in establishing a fun
atmosphere that we just know isn’t going to last. By casting actors from the
70’s and 80’s- like Elisabeth Shue and Ving Rhames, and Richard Dreyfuss and
Christopher Lloyd in their cameos- a nice wink is given to the time of the
original Piranha in an otherwise modern movie.
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| Did I need to include an image of Riley Steele motor-boating Kelly Brook? I believe I did, yes. |
The cinematography is surprisingly good. Lake Victoria (actually shot at Lake Havasu) provides some beautiful scenery and underwater shots whenever silicon tits aren’t taking up the screen. A humorous atmosphere is established early on, letting us know that what is ahead should not be taken too seriously in any way, shape or form. Design wise, these fictional prehistoric piranha are suitably menacing. The CGI used to bring them to life is pretty well rendered, but personally I would have liked some puppet/animatronic piranha used in conjunction. It’s not a big deal though; as the computer generated ones work pretty well. The creepy ‘clicking’ noises they make as they swim is also effective. Some characters are so incredibly sleazy, and it definitely establishes some that, uh, get what is coming to them. Turns out piranha are not too interested in digesting severed penises and breast implants. The movie itself doesn’t really become sleazy in my opinion, which is a little hard to explain, and it’s definitely something the makers of Piranha 3DD didn’t quite get. The scene where Kelly Brook and a random porn star go for a long skinny dip is accompanied by classical music (Flower Duet from Lakme), and it's perfect because the director knows how smutty it is; especially when characters are yelling ‘PUT YOUR ASS ON THE GLASS!’.
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| I came here to eat bitches, not that old guy from Back To The Future. WHERE THE BITCHES AT? |
Gore-wise, it just can’t be beat. Until
about fifty minutes in the gore isn’t too extreme. It gets you into a false
sense of security, as once that spring break massacre starts all the gore that
was saved is let loose completely. This is definitely one of my favourite ten
minutes of gruesome, mutilating violence in any film iv seen thus far. It just
kept escalating and escalating, to the point that I just couldn’t help but
laugh at how ridiculously great this scene was. To reveal the deaths
specifically would ruin their cringe and laughter inducing impact, but I will
say everything that could have been done pretty much was. What’s even better
about the gore in Piranha 3D is the vast majority is practical, with a few CGI
shots not dampening the bloody fun in the slightest. All kinds of body parts
are thrown at the screen for us to see in 3D, including the rejected severed
penis that I mentioned before. I loved Christopher Lloyd’s cameo scene. His
goofy, half-crazed scientific character is such a staple in these movies, and he
does it so, so well. Ving Rhames wielding a motor boat propeller like a
chainsaw to the piranha is fairly redundant but just too awesome. The acting isn’t
going to win any awards, but it gets the job done. If your complaining about
THAT in a movie like THIS, then obviously you just shouldn’t be watching it in
the first place. The ‘to be continued’ ending is such a gem; unfortunately it
wasn’t used much in Piranha 3DD, but it could have been interesting if it was
done properly.
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| Jerry O'Connell getting munched on by the piranha while Kelly Brook tries to save him offscreen. |
I did say at the beginning that Piranha 3D
was close to being perfect, and its just a few things that inhibit its
perfection. Things can get dark and a tad hard to see, probably because it is a
3D movie and that tends to darken things. It’s only a problem for a few brief
murky underwater parts. A few scenes slow things down a little, with body shots
on the boat being one of them, although they do serve to up the movies very
high boob count. Kelly’s (Jessica Szohr’s) character gets super irritating with
all her screaming and whining towards the end, but she isn’t a main focus so I
cant complain too much. Paul Scheer's character disappears all together in the third act, and even though he does re-appear in Piranha 3DD it's never explained where he went (they actually couldn't afford to finish his death scene, so they left it out completely). Considering that’s all the negatives in comparison to
all the positives, it’s easy to see I enjoyed this movie a lot.
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| Ok, doesn't the injured guy look a little old to be at spring break? |
So much in fact, that I like it more than
the original Piranha. It was probably my initial low expectations for this
movie that led me to love it so very much. On the flip side Piranha 3DD didn't live up to expectations. If your a gore-hound
like me and relish the thought of seeing prehistoric fish munching on
over-sexed teenagers, then do yourself a favour and check out Piranha 3D- and if
you can, watch it in that third dimension as it really adds to the fun,
blood-and-boob drenched experience.
4.5/5
And here's the trailer:
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